okay. so like i slept all that day, and then was up all night (again)... but i stayed up the next day and didn't waste the day... (yesterday). I had about 600 cals yesterday. One meal. a couple cups of coffee with like three teaspoons of creamer... so i guess i can round my kcals up to like 700. I went and picked up some Ambien. Not sure if i like it yet. It hit me hard, i crashed out like 20 mintues after i took it (Good) but then woke up like four hours later (Bad) and had to take another one to sleep through the rest of the night (Bad) and now, it's only one in the afternoon and i'm zonked enough to need a nap (Bad). I'll see what happens tonight.
i haven't eaten anything so far today... i have that lovely empty feeling inside. The only yukky thing is that kind of queasy feeling in my gut from drinking too much ooffee on an empty stomach. I am really really tired, so i'm gonna lay down for an hour and then get up and clean. Then i am going to walk about 3 miles with my dog. I am going to try and eat only like 300 cals today... plus the coffee w/creamer i've already had.
i'm reading this book online (check out read_ed on my friends list) called WASTED. I'm already on chapter seven. It's really amazing. A little depressing,but i'll go into that later. We all already know how that goes.
I'm really still quite depressed and feeling like a failure... unproductive lazy ass. And though i know the only way to STOP feeling like this and change the situation is to get OFF my ass and DO something productive... it's just so damn hard. I want to lay in the dark covering of my room, pull the covers over my head and just go somewhere else. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
~ une peu moi
It's like almost six in the morning and i'm still freakin' awake. I was diagnosed with hypothyroid like a year ago and am just now getting on meds for it. Between that and being new to taking an antidepressent AND having quit drinking my nightly Pinot Noir for over a month, I am officially an insomniac. I haven't been able to get to sleep before 3-4 AM in WEEKS. Which means i have not been a productive human being during the day. I need to get a serious prescription and get some serious zzz's while it's still dark out for a change.
So, here I am, blogging. Smoking like a chimney, playing chess online, playing with myspace, and now this. Maybe THIS, however, will prove to be productive and thereputic. ha.
i'm Isabelle. I just turned 37 and I feel like i'm still a struggling adolecent. I'm still in college, still struggling financially, still not 'grown up' enough, or confident enough or whatever to actually be PURSUING my dreams. So,this is in a way a documentary of my late-blooming debut. A record of my long awaited 'launch' into grown-up hood.
I want to travel with my guitar and my music, I want to sing my songs, I want to go to Africa and Europe and Vietnam and be like a medical music missionary sort of soul.
I want to be skinny again.
I want to run 5 and 10K races and mountain bike and rockclimb and snowboard again.
I want to fit into a size 6 again.
I want to be a better mother, a better daughter, sister, neice, friend.
I want to DO what I was put on this Earth for.
So. In order to do any of these things. I need a Game Plan.
It MUST begin with a first, albeit fragile, step. Accountability.
Documenting my days and the hours that make them up. Should I stay awake and try to have a productive day, or should i close my eyes once again as the darkness of night spends her final moments? Will i wake up? We shall see.
I'll share my stats later on. I'm gonna try and take a nap. Thank GOD i have to wake up in an hour 1/2 to take my munchkin to school. Maybe i can drink enough java to get something done today.
nighty-nite (or good morning)